Lovehoney All Nighter Couples’ Christmas Crackers Review
Whether the person you like to get frisky with has been naughty or nice this year, I think they deserve a little treat. The sort of treat that sends shivers up their spines and drips down their thighs. The sort of treat that will make you both want to stay up all night, and not just to see Santa. In fact, with the Lovehoney All Nighter Couples’ Christmas Crackers, you’ll probably be hoping Santa doesn’t drop in and disturb your fun. At least, that’s the sort of naughty night I had in mind when these popped through my letterbox…
The question is, did I actually pull a real ‘cracker’? Or were they just a bad joke?
The box this couple of crackers come in is pretty damn simple. It’s purple, it’s plain, it landed in my bin quicker than Rudolph could land a sleigh. Let’s be honest though, it’s the contents and it’s sexy possibilities that we’re interested in, right?
The only thing festive about these crackers is that they are crackers. Lovehoney ditched the Snowmen and HoHoHo’s for their own purple heart branding, accurate to standard Christmas cracker size. The gold bows sure do add a nice touch though. Along with ditching the festivities, they also went without the ‘Bang’ a Christmas cracker usually has. I can’t say I was too bothered personally, that wasn’t the sort of bang I had in mind anyway. Besides, with the right partner, I can make my own fireworks *winks*.
Whilst purple heart cardboard is just lovely, it’s what’s inside that matters. I certainly wouldn’t be writing this review if the Lovehoney All Nighter Couples’ Christmas Crackers contained a screwdriver and a paper hat. So, each cracker contains three items each – A sexy dice, a single-use vibrator and a piece of paper. If you’re a couple who has already experimented with toys and novelty sex products, I doubt you would gain much from these crackers. The dice are cool but overdone, the toys are tacky and the paper is, well, paper.
However, if I travel back to Aurora 10 years ago (and I wish I could), I would have been first in line for some sexy Christmas crackers. In my relationship, I was all about the spice and the fun. Sex toys were new to me. I didn’t care that there were better products on the market, I just wanted something cheap that my partner and I could play with. Whilst naked. Preferably ending in orgasms and snacks.
Each of the Lovehoney All Nighter Couples’ Christmas Crackers contain a sexy dice. One purple. One black. The comments on the dice are very open to interpretation, with directions like ‘stroke’ or ‘hard and fast’. I actually like this openness as it works as a guideline for you to play around with. If you’re looking for direct orders though, you won’t get them at a roll of these dice.
I also want to point out that each dice has a side with nothing but the Lovehoney logo. This seems like such a waste of potential sexy instruction. However, it would definitely be fun to come up with your own unique meaning for this dice roll. Personally, I’m thinking ‘Spanks with a Candy Cane whilst singing Jingle Bells backwards’. I’m probably on my own with that kink though…
Firstly, both these toys are made using TPE which is not considered a body-safe material due to it being porous. However, as these toys are single-use only, the material is not likely to be an issue.
These sexy Crimbo crackers both contain a sex toy. Each toy can be used as a body-tingling finger vibrator, and one is also large enough to be used as a cock ring. If you know me at all, you’ll know I am all about the sex toys. The more the merrier. I want Santa to fill my stockings with the things that vibrate.
Pretty please, with clit cherries on top?
These very basic vibes are for absolute sex toy beginners to try something new, exciting and fun. They are not about to win any orgasm awards. The vibrations are weak and buzzy, that’s the unorgasmic truth of it. Am I about to ditch my favourite bullet vibe for these novelty buzzers? Not even if Santa offered me a million of them and a lap dance.
They do have one thing going for them though. These buzzing treats are extremely quiet. I could stick one of these down my pants at Christmas Dinner. Except I’m just definitely not going to.
Each of the Lovehoney All Nighter Couples’ Christmas Crackers contains a little slip of paper. Instead of a terrible joke we’ve all heard every Christmas since we were five, these shiny slips contain sexy things. Sexy things like instructions on how to use the accompanying buzzing beauties. Including sex positions and hot, steamy, knicker wetting tips, that will make the most of the vibrating va va vooms on your bits.
The Lovehoney All Nighter Couples’ Christmas Crackers are just a bit of cheeky fun. They succeed in heightening the one thing I love most about sex – the playfulness. These Crackers are a good way to try something a little naughtier, with whoever makes you feel festively frisky. However, if you’ve got a toybox full of sexy goodies, I’d pass on these crackers instead of pulling ’em.
You can purchase the Lovehoney All Nighter Couples’ Christmas Crackers here for £5.00*
Looking for something a little kinkier? Check out my review of the Lovehoney All Tied Up Bondage Play Kit!
*Price at time of posting. Usual price £9.99
Huge thanks to Lovehoney for sending me the Lovehoney All Nighter Couples’ Christmas Crackers in exchange for an honest review! Affiliate links are used in this post.