What Am I So Afraid Of?
This post is in response to the current Wicked Wednesday Prompt – What technical aspect of sex do you find so tricky?
Trigger warning: There are references to the recovery of sexual abuse.
This question really got me thinking. Mostly because I didn’t really understand what it meant, but also, what does make sex tricky for me? I could go into my plus size body and the position limitations. Or maybe how sex toy reviewing has affected my sex life? But this question really got me asking myself something a lot deeper.
What am I so afraid of?
What is it about the thought of intimate touch that makes me cross my legs and recoil? I know it’s fear, I’ve just never really reflected on what the fear is of.
I’m scared to trust someone with my body and mind. I’m scared to be vulnerable. Instead of sharing an experience, sex now feels like I am giving something away – a part of myself. Perhaps because that is what I lost with my last partner? When I think about sex I just want to wrap my arms around myself and hold onto all that I am.
I’m scared they’ll ask for something I don’t want to give. What if they pressure me, push me, coerce me? What if they don’t have to because I am so used to the answer having to be ‘yes’? But then, maybe I’ll say no to everything, just in case. Don’t touch me there. Don’t kiss me like that. Don’t hold me. What if the flashbacks haunt me and I break down? There are so few sexual acts that haven’t been tainted by my past. Won’t everything trigger me?
I am just as afraid of my own behaviour as I am of theirs. I’m scared I’ll cry, have a panic attack or unlock memories I’ve tried so hard to forget. I’m scared I’ll scare them. Ruin the mood. Make them wish they were anywhere but there with me. Is it even fair to potentially put someone through all this?
I’d need their consent. But I’m too scared to tell anyone what happened before. What if they want details? What if they reject me? Think I’m a liar or an attention seeker? Damaged goods? Too much baggage? More effort than I’m worth?
I’d be better off without them then. They clearly didn’t value me anyway. But then I have just another negative sexual experience to add to the load already too heavy for me to bear.
I’m still afraid of unrelated things too, like my bum being too big or my heart being broken. Those fears haven’t gone away, I’ve just added more into the mix.
It’s all just so very, very scary.
But I know if I can face my fears, maybe one day, it could all be so very, very good.
Maybe one day.
I actually reread this a few days after writing it and saw a bit of a theme. What I’m mostly afraid of is the unknown of that first time and there really is only one way to conquer that! Little by little it is becoming something I can see myself doing again and writing this helped me take one more little step in the direction I want to go.