Sex After Abuse – What Am I So Afraid Of?

Sex After Abuse – What Am I So Afraid Of?

What Am I So Afraid Of?

This post is in response to the current Wicked Wednesday Prompt – What technical aspect of sex do you find so tricky?

Trigger warning: There are references to the recovery of sexual abuse.

This question really got me thinking. Mostly because I didn’t really understand what it meant, but also, what does make sex tricky for me? I could go into my plus size body and the position limitations. Or maybe how sex toy reviewing has affected my sex life? But this question really got me asking myself something a lot deeper.

What am I so afraid of?

What is it about the thought of intimate touch that makes me cross my legs and recoil? I know it’s fear, I’ve just never really reflected on what the fear is of.

I’m scared to trust someone with my body and mind. I’m scared to be vulnerable. Instead of sharing an experience, sex now feels like I am giving something away – a part of myself. Perhaps because that is what I lost with my last partner? When I think about sex I just want to wrap my arms around myself and hold onto all that I am.

I’m scared they’ll ask for something I don’t want to give. What if they pressure me, push me, coerce me? What if they don’t have to because I am so used to the answer having to be ‘yes’? But then, maybe I’ll say no to everything, just in case. Don’t touch me there. Don’t kiss me like that. Don’t hold me. What if the flashbacks haunt me and I break down? There are so few sexual acts that haven’t been tainted by my past. Won’t everything trigger me?

I am just as afraid of my own behaviour as I am of theirs. I’m scared I’ll cry, have a panic attack or unlock memories I’ve tried so hard to forget. I’m scared I’ll scare them. Ruin the mood. Make them wish they were anywhere but there with me. Is it even fair to potentially put someone through all this?

I’d need their consent. But I’m too scared to tell anyone what happened before. What if they want details? What if they reject me? Think I’m a liar or an attention seeker? Damaged goods? Too much baggage? More effort than I’m worth?

I’d be better off without them then. They clearly didn’t value me anyway. But then I have just another negative sexual experience to add to the load already too heavy for me to bear.

I’m still afraid of unrelated things too, like my bum being too big or my heart being broken. Those fears haven’t gone away, I’ve just added more into the mix.

It’s all just so very, very scary.

But I know if I can face my fears, maybe one day, it could all be so very, very good.

Maybe one day.

I actually reread this a few days after writing it and saw a bit of a theme. What I’m mostly afraid of is the unknown of that first time and there really is only one way to conquer that! Little by little it is becoming something I can see myself doing again and writing this helped me take one more little step in the direction I want to go.

Wicked Wednesday

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  1. They say that time is a healer. There are varying degrees of truth in that statement, but I think part of the reason Time has gotten that rep is because time is a buffer. How much of a buffer we need between our past hurts and our present risks depends on the situation, but the fact that time extends onward forever – and is in no hurry – means that, in situations where we utilize it as a buffer, we have all the time we need.

    Opening up to someone new is a risk; it need never be rushed. I hope you’ll take all the time you feel you need.


    1. Author

      Thank you, you’re absolutely right. I’ve been learning that it isn’t something I can rush and I need to be patient with it. I think because I blog about sex it makes that harder though as I’m thinking about my sex life, or lack thereof, so much more frequently than I might otherwise.
      Aurora x

  2. I think meeting that special someone may just happen, almost by accident, when you least expect it. And if that person is the right one, you will sense it. Perhaps not instantly, but your trust and release will slowly come.
    And if you are right for them, they will understand and respect and give you the time, and feelings, you need.
    Mrs Fever puts it perfectly “it need never be rushed”.
    You are a lovely person . . . you have so much to give and share . . . and I am sure you will find that special someone to share with.
    Xxx – K

    1. Author

      Thank you 🙂 I do agree and think it will only work out if I find someone I completely trust. I can’t imagine I would be able to face my fears otherwise. I’m not much of a social butterfly though so I’ll have to wait until I’m ready to actively try to meet someone, I expect.
      Aurora x

  3. I have said it before, and I will say it again: you are a strong person, Aurora. I admire how you have gotten through the difficulties in your life, and of course it made you careful for future connections. That’s just natural. But I agree with the two ladies above, time definitely is a buffer, and you need never to rush into something new, but when you meet someone new, who is the perfect one for you, who is everything you want and need, you will know.

    Rebel xox

    1. Author

      Thank you, Marie 🙂 you are so right in that the combination of time and the right person will hopefully make those fears go away enough to face. I know I am somewhat impatient with myself over it all and probably need to find peace in how I am right now, as it’s not something I can force to be any different.
      Aurora x

  4. This is so powerful. I’ll echo what others have already said about time. And as you mentioned, the right person. You don’t have to do anything you’re not ready for, and the right person will give you that space. Whenever you find them, whoever they may be, I’m sure it will be worth the wait.

  5. You know I have been in the same boat as you and the only way to tread is carefully – it is all very well for people to say put yourself out there and you will find the person but when you are having to cope with all the doubts and anguish “out there” becomes a difficult place to be.
    I do think though that things happen – and people appear – when you stop looking and stop wondering if that will for you.
    Be good to yourself now and then when you least expect it your “one day” will happen x

  6. A powerful post and one which took strength to write – illustrating the depths of your own power. I totally agree with what the ladies above have written as comments in response to your post. I think you will know when you are ready to let your guard down, and if the person you choose to get close to isn’t prepared to take the time you need then you must be strong again and call a halt to things. However I think you will be alert for signs of affinity and not move to the next stage until you are satisfied that you are bonding with someone empathetic and considerate of your needs and wellbeing.

  7. Most people have covered my thoughts in one form or another but the only thing I have to add is that it is absolutely OK to be a sex blogger who doesn’t have a current sexual relationship apart from with themselves

    Also exploring your sexual desires through writing fiction can be a really great way to help you rediscover some confidence in what turns you on etc


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