Coming Out As Borderline – Sexual Self Reflection

Coming Out As Borderline – Sexual Self Reflection

This is a heavy post. If you are not in a good place right now, please come back to it when you feel able. This is my experience of Borderline Personality Disorder, yours may be completely different. In fact, it’s likely to be. I’ve met many people with BPD and always been shocked at how different we all are!

I’ve tiptoed around my mental health a few times in my blogging life span. But as a year of blogging fast approaches I am feeling some shame in my hiding of my diagnosis. There are multiple reasons I felt were valid. And in writing this those reasons are pounding at my chest in intense fear. But what if I can help someone? What if opening up could touch just one person and make their life better? Well then all those valid reasons don’t mean so much anymore. So just to clarify, and in the hopes you might understand why I’ve been so protective of my diagnosis, here’s my reasons..

  • Borderline Personality Disorder is disgracefully over diagnosed. I have not been misdiagnosed. I have/had all of the criteria despite only 5 of the 8 being needed for a diagnosis.
  • I’ve got an innate fear of appearing to be attention seeking. I actively avoid saying anything that may seem as though I want sympathy or attention of any kind. Probably because BPD’s are dubbed attention seekers and manipulators.
  • I am afraid people won’t take me or my blog seriously. They won’t want to work with me and once I’ve come out as having a personality disorder, there is no going back from it.
  • Whilst terms like depression and anxiety are thankfully finally being understood and accepted by most, psychotic symptoms are usually the twist at the end of a horror movie and generally scare the shit out of people.
Um, I just tweeted asking for people’s experiences of sharing about mental health. I’m seriously that anxious about this..

If my personality disorder had no affect on my sex life I wouldn’t be writing this. But it’s my personality, so it directly affects every aspect of my life. In different ways over the years, but still always sticking it’s nose into my intimate business. In fact one of the eight criteria for a diagnosis is unstable relationships. Another is reckless behavior, stipulating this may be through promiscuity. And clearly explaining the teen pregnancy and the transmittion of the HPV virus from a penis.. to my ass.

A heartbreaking statistic which links BPD to sex is that an estimated 75% of people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder have a history involving childhood sexual abuse.

Promiscuity

I don’t know how I feel about this word being used under the reckless behavior criteria. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having lots of casual sex. As long as it’s done safely. I did not indulge in casual sex safely. Condoms were included if that partner thought to use them, if not, it was bareback and I thought nothing of it. I went home with people I barely knew without making sure someone knew where I was. And I did so in such a drunken state that I still, 10 years later, don’t know whether on one of the occasions I was actually awake during intercourse. And I’ve been haunted by that ever since.

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Why was I such an irresponsible uberslut? Maybe validation. The knowledge that I was wanted. The knowledge that I could have what I wanted. Of course, I was naive. A guy thinking I was worth a fuck was worth fuck all. There was also my fear of the night ending. I was a teen mum. My responsibilities were years before what they should have been. The freedom to be 18 felt so good. When I had it, I clung to it. And finally, being an uberslut is fun! I have wonderful memories involving great people. Maybe I regret being reckless and irresponsible. But I sure as hell don’t regret the sex.

Unstable Interpersonal Relationships

There’s a website that says there are three stages to a relationship with a borderline. The Seducer, The Clinger, The Hater. And I begrudgingly accept that in the most part it’s true. I feel a great deal of shame and guilt over how my relationships progress in this exact pattern. Every time. But since this is a sex blog, we’ll just go over how I behave sexually throughout these stages.

The Seducer

As the seducer I have an Olympic sex drive. In fact my partner admitted recently that at the start of our relationship he took arousal pills every time he saw me in an attempt to match up. I am sexually obsessed and my desire has such an intensity that it makes others uncomfortable. His needs become my needs. It’s unintentional manipulation.

The Clinger

The clinger isn’t a description anyone would associate with me. I cling in the seducer phase, but then I return to being my solitary self. Wanting space. So I’m not sure it accurately describes me, but it’s accurate that there is a stage between the seducer and the hater. I start to prioritize my own wants and needs. But I’m getting bored. So my desires become kinkier. Things I never before considered I wanted become a sexual obsession. I guess I’m craving seducer stage excitement and I’m turning to sex to find it.

The Hater

The hater stage is when a man realizes the sexual goddess that put him on a pedestal was nothing but an illusion. I’m human like the rest of the people out there. And so are they. It honestly breaks my heart seeing how that realization affects the person I love. So much so that I know if my current relationship ends, I probably won’t allow myself to be in another. They’re the same person they’ve always been, so why don’t I want to have sex with them anymore?

Gender Identity

With bpd comes no identity. Any ideas you do have regarding who you are are usually contradictory and fleeting. So it is probably no surprise that gender identity is something that leaves me somewhat confused. I am happy in the gender I was born into. Until it comes to sex. Sexually I feel a strong desire to have a ‘male anatomy.’ And the majority of my sexual fantasies have always been based upon that. I am a man, having sex with a woman.

It’s Not All Negative

The interesting thing about a lack of identity is the ability you have to empathise. Regardless of who it is or what it is, it seems I find it easy to understand. Especially, fortunately for my blog, in regards to desires.

Another positive result of no identity is that I don’t have the confidence to speak. I never trust myself enough to speak with authority as my feelings and beliefs may change from one day to the next. Im fickle and confused. Whilst this may not sound positive, it actually gives me the ability to really listen. And in listening, I learn.

Borderline personality disorder mental health ribbon

So there it is in black and white. My vulnerability. Parts of me I rightfully hate. But I’m proud of my self awareness. It was a long road of therapy, from 15 to 27, to finally have the ability to really see me. Anyone with an understanding of Borderline Personality Disorder will know it comes with no self reflection. And that was my inspiration for this posts feature photo. A past Sinful Sunday entry.

Do you have a mental health problem which affects your sex life? Comment below and join me in letting others know they are not alone!

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You may be interested in my post on Sexual Anxiety – Check it out here! 

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14 Comments

  1. Thank you for sharing this Aurora. I commend you on your bravery and honesty. As someone who is confused by my own recent foray into sex blogging, multiple sex toys and frequent masturbation (even when I’m exhausted and intend to go to sleep), I can relate on some level at least to what you have shared. One thing I have learned in 64 years is that human beings can be incredibly complex creatures, often in ways that no-one suspects, and in ways that often tear us apart in private. I’ve also learned that some of us cannot see the impact of our behavior on those closest to us because we don’t see ourselves as being important, and I’m definitely talking about me here.
    I hope that writing about yourself is met with mindfulness and tolerance in the blogging community, and that this in turn gives you confidence in your capacity to move and connect with others in new ways.
    Take care.
    Indigo

    1. Author

      Thank you so much for this lovely comment! Given how anxious I am about this post it really does mean so much to me. You have given me something to think about as well which I always appreciate!
      Aurora x

  2. Thank for making the choice to open up. I know it had to be very difficult but the insight you provided is amazing.

    1. Author

      Thank you so much! I feel like people will read it and hate me lol But it’s the truth so I couldn’t put it any other way x

  3. Wow… What a beautiful and courageous post. I know how difficult it can be to write about but at the same time how freeing it can be. I grew up surrounded by mental illness, and never understood how anxious I was until I took Xanax one day, and it felt like a vacation. My anxiety presents itself physically, I get sick. I worked in politics despite my anxiety disorder, getting sick continually. Being obsessive compulsive about things like news releases, news conferences, and fundraising events is seen as a positive in that line of work. Everything I set up went off well, usually with me in the bathroom getting sick. I took so many anti-nausea meds some days, I have no memory of what happened due to the drugs. When I finally figured out what was happening, I left that line of work, but not before it all took a toll on my health and my mind. We are all temporarily able-bodied, some folks physical health last better than others. It’s the same with mental health, I always imagined that I’d have it all figured out some day. I think the lesson I need to learn is that life isn’t something that can be figured out…

    1. Author

      Thank you so much for your comment and sharing your own experiences. I am glad to see you have left the work that was making you so unwell and I hope you have found something healthier for yourself. I admit that I have always thought my mental health was something I would eventually have all figured out. What you have said really makes sense though and I will try to remember it.
      Aurora x

  4. Great post Aurora – I understand many of the symptoms you talk about because I have them – never been diagnosed though. Reading it took me back to various stages in my life when I behaved in these ways – fascinating.I am not particularly into labels but could not deny that I saw a lot of me in your post.
    Love your new pic at the top BTW

    1. Author

      Thank you for your comment! I think a lot of people are undiagnosed with it, to be honest. I was in some form of therapy for about 6 years before I’d even heard of BPD. I hope it is not something that impacts your life too much anymore. With posts like this comments like yours really do mean so much to me! Thank you x

  5. This is a beautiful piece and I’m so glad you’ve had the courage to share this part of you. I’m fighting to hold back the tears!

    My sister has BDP, is been a tough ride for both her and those of us around her who watch her harm herself with her behaviour. I also share those traits and once again I saw me in the person you described in this post which scares me more than I can describe!

    Thank you for writing this, I just want to give you a huge hug right now…tears not longer holding back…

    1. Author

      Thank you for your lovely comment! I am sorry you have had to witness it with your sister. I know how much it can affect those closest. And I really hope your own traits do not impact on your life too much. *Gives extra huge cyber hug* x

  6. I missed this when it was first out but this is amazing and thank you for writing this. My best friend from university has a BPD diagnosis. It has been an incredibly difficult few years. Too much to say in one comment and I wouldn’t want to share some of the details of his story in writing without his content, but I am sure you and I could speak about this for hours. Xxx

    1. Author

      Thank you for reading it and for your lovely comment. I can imagine how difficult it must be for him, but it is wonderful that he has such a good friend in you. I hope he is as well as possible and gets all the support he needs. I know how difficult that can be!
      Aurora x

  7. Thank you for sharing. My partner and Dom has BPD – the diagnosis was huge and ‘fits’ after years of misdiagnosis and meds that didn’t help except mask their symptoms and their hopes of their selves. It’s not my story but theirs so I will remain anonymous. But what you say resonates with our story. The way I think of the disorder is that my partner has no ‘emotional skin’ – no barrier from keeping others’ emotions/identities out and no barrier keeping theirs in. This helps me a lot.

    I want to say that I find websites so depressing about the impact it has on relationships. There are good relationships to have with and despite the Borderline Personality Disorder.

    1. Author

      I can totally understand the struggle for diagnosis. I was also misdiagnosed for years and couldn’t understand why none of the treatments were helping.
      What you said about having no emotional skin is really brilliant. Whilst I knew about it in terms of my own emotions, it had never occurred to me that I didn’t have the barrier for others emotions and identities. But it is completely accurate. Thank you so much for sharing that.
      I also agree with you about the websites on relationships with a person with bpd. A lot of them can be extremely negative about it. But every person with bpd is different as are the people they are having relationships with. It’s wonderful for you to share about the positive relationship you have.
      Aurora x

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