This is a heavy post. If you are not in a good place right now, please come back to it when you feel able. This is my experience of Borderline Personality Disorder, yours may be completely different. In fact, it’s likely to be. I’ve met many people with BPD and always been shocked at how different we all are!
I’ve tiptoed around my mental health a few times in my blogging life span. But as a year of blogging fast approaches I am feeling some shame in my hiding of my diagnosis. There are multiple reasons I felt were valid. And in writing this those reasons are pounding at my chest in intense fear. But what if I can help someone? What if opening up could touch just one person and make their life better? Well then all those valid reasons don’t mean so much anymore. So just to clarify, and in the hopes you might understand why I’ve been so protective of my diagnosis, here’s my reasons..
- Borderline Personality Disorder is disgracefully over diagnosed. I have not been misdiagnosed. I have/had all of the criteria despite only 5 of the 8 being needed for a diagnosis.
- I’ve got an innate fear of appearing to be attention seeking. I actively avoid saying anything that may seem as though I want sympathy or attention of any kind. Probably because BPD’s are dubbed attention seekers and manipulators.
- I am afraid people won’t take me or my blog seriously. They won’t want to work with me and once I’ve come out as having a personality disorder, there is no going back from it.
- Whilst terms like depression and anxiety are thankfully finally being understood and accepted by most, psychotic symptoms are usually the twist at the end of a horror movie and generally scare the shit out of people.
Um, I just tweeted asking for people’s experiences of sharing about mental health. I’m seriously that anxious about this..
If my personality disorder had no affect on my sex life I wouldn’t be writing this. But it’s my personality, so it directly affects every aspect of my life. In different ways over the years, but still always sticking it’s nose into my intimate business. In fact one of the eight criteria for a diagnosis is unstable relationships. Another is reckless behavior, stipulating this may be through promiscuity. And clearly explaining the teen pregnancy and the transmittion of the HPV virus from a penis.. to my ass.
A heartbreaking statistic which links BPD to sex is that an estimated 75% of people diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder have a history involving childhood sexual abuse.
I don’t know how I feel about this word being used under the reckless behavior criteria. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having lots of casual sex. As long as it’s done safely. I did not indulge in casual sex safely. Condoms were included if that partner thought to use them, if not, it was bareback and I thought nothing of it. I went home with people I barely knew without making sure someone knew where I was. And I did so in such a drunken state that I still, 10 years later, don’t know whether on one of the occasions I was actually awake during intercourse. And I’ve been haunted by that ever since.
Why was I such an irresponsible uberslut? Maybe validation. The knowledge that I was wanted. The knowledge that I could have what I wanted. Of course, I was naive. A guy thinking I was worth a fuck was worth fuck all. There was also my fear of the night ending. I was a teen mum. My responsibilities were years before what they should have been. The freedom to be 18 felt so good. When I had it, I clung to it. And finally, being an uberslut is fun! I have wonderful memories involving great people. Maybe I regret being reckless and irresponsible. But I sure as hell don’t regret the sex.
Unstable Interpersonal Relationships
There’s a website that says there are three stages to a relationship with a borderline. The Seducer, The Clinger, The Hater. And I begrudgingly accept that in the most part it’s true. I feel a great deal of shame and guilt over how my relationships progress in this exact pattern. Every time. But since this is a sex blog, we’ll just go over how I behave sexually throughout these stages.
As the seducer I have an Olympic sex drive. In fact my partner admitted recently that at the start of our relationship he took arousal pills every time he saw me in an attempt to match up. I am sexually obsessed and my desire has such an intensity that it makes others uncomfortable. His needs become my needs. It’s unintentional manipulation.
The clinger isn’t a description anyone would associate with me. I cling in the seducer phase, but then I return to being my solitary self. Wanting space. So I’m not sure it accurately describes me, but it’s accurate that there is a stage between the seducer and the hater. I start to prioritize my own wants and needs. But I’m getting bored. So my desires become kinkier. Things I never before considered I wanted become a sexual obsession. I guess I’m craving seducer stage excitement and I’m turning to sex to find it.
The hater stage is when a man realizes the sexual goddess that put him on a pedestal was nothing but an illusion. I’m human like the rest of the people out there. And so are they. It honestly breaks my heart seeing how that realization affects the person I love. So much so that I know if my current relationship ends, I probably won’t allow myself to be in another. They’re the same person they’ve always been, so why don’t I want to have sex with them anymore?
With bpd comes no identity. Any ideas you do have regarding who you are are usually contradictory and fleeting. So it is probably no surprise that gender identity is something that leaves me somewhat confused. I am happy in the gender I was born into. Until it comes to sex. Sexually I feel a strong desire to have a ‘male anatomy.’ And the majority of my sexual fantasies have always been based upon that. I am a man, having sex with a woman.
It’s Not All Negative
The interesting thing about a lack of identity is the ability you have to empathise. Regardless of who it is or what it is, it seems I find it easy to understand. Especially, fortunately for my blog, in regards to desires.
Another positive result of no identity is that I don’t have the confidence to speak. I never trust myself enough to speak with authority as my feelings and beliefs may change from one day to the next. Im fickle and confused. Whilst this may not sound positive, it actually gives me the ability to really listen. And in listening, I learn.
So there it is in black and white. My vulnerability. Parts of me I rightfully hate. But I’m proud of my self awareness. It was a long road of therapy, from 15 to 27, to finally have the ability to really see me. Anyone with an understanding of Borderline Personality Disorder will know it comes with no self reflection. And that was my inspiration for this posts feature photo. A past Sinful Sunday entry.
Do you have a mental health problem which affects your sex life? Comment below and join me in letting others know they are not alone!
You may be interested in my post on Sexual Anxiety – Check it out here!