It seems no matter the partner, sex has always been followed by, ‘Did you come?’ And if my answer is no, which half the time it will be, I will be faced with a partners guilt, disappointment or determination to ‘finish me off’. Sometimes a combination of all three. But the fact is, most of the time the reason I didn’t orgasm has absolutely nothing to do with them. I say most of the time because sometimes it does. And on those occasions, I will ask, ‘if’ I would like to be finished off. The point is, my orgasm or lack thereof is not a precise measure on whether I enjoyed the sex. Yet, it seems to continually be used as one. So just to reiterate.
Great sex does not always equal an orgasm and an orgasm does not always equal great sex.
Now in an attempt to squash this orgasm myth, here are just 6 reasons I don’t orgasm that have absolutely nothing to do with my partner’s performance.
No Toy, No Joy
Until I bought the We Vibe Tango and used it on my clit whilst being pounded, I had never orgasmed during sex. Without really good clitoral stimulation, it’s just not going to happen. And that’s okay, the Tango isn’t always going to be handy. In fact most of the time it’s not, since it runs out of charge so bloody often. I happily had sex for ten years before being able to orgasm during and I will happily continue to do so.
Don’t Look At Me
This is very probably just a me thing. But if my partner is looking at my face, I can’t relax and thus can not orgasm. All I can really do is think about what my face looks like. Are my eyes crossed? Am I flushed and sweaty? Is my mouth too far open? Do I just generally look completely ridiculous and unsexy? Look at my boobs, my ass, my belly or feet, I don’t care. But please, just do not look at my face. It may sound like a silly thing, but to me it’s huge and the anxiety has robbed me of many an orgasm. In fact, once I am comfortable in a sexual relationship I will ask them not to look at me when I am trying to orgasm. Honestly, one single glance at my face and I lose the pleasure flow completely. Doggy style is my saviour.
Did I leave the oven on? Oh god, I’ve got to remember to phone those people tomorrow. And bread, I must buy some bread. Crap, did I put the rubbish out? Oh, we’re done?
‘No, I didn’t orgasm. No, no, it’s fine, I don’t need finishing off. ‘
Dammit, now I’ve got to make the bed as well.
If I’m stressed chances are my head is somewhere else. And despite my attempts to focus, I just keep drifting off. Besides, forced focus is unnatural and puts me off. The sex was pleasurable and I enjoyed the chance to relax a bit. But my mind is too wound up for my body to unwind enough to orgasm. If you really want to feel like you have fully satisfied me, take the rubbish out and buy some bread.
I get one session a day. I may get multiple orgasms in that session or I may just have one. But, that’s my lot for the day. I’m not going to be able to orgasm again later no matter how much I try. It has nothing to do with you. I’m just spent. My vaginal muscles are on hiatus. Come back tomorrow.
Your Pleasure Is My Pleasure
Sometimes I just want to get pleasure from pleasing you. It’s different to the satisfaction of orgasm but no less enjoyable. Orgasms don’t come easy for me, so if I’m not totally doing what works for me, I won’t orgasm. Of course, if you would like to focus on me after, I am quite sure I would be happy to oblige.
Apparently edging is the key to mindblowing orgasms for some people. For me, it is a sure fire way to completely rob me of mine. And whilst edging can be something that is done intentionally, sometimes it’s also just the way sex goes. Can we change position, I’m getting carpet burn? Dammit, my Tango died, hang on while I grab another toy. Ow, ow, ow now I’ve got a cramp. You know what, I’m sorry, I’ve just totally lost it.
Not everyone is the same as me. Some people will have completely different reasons for not orgasming during sex that still have nothing to do with their partner’s performance. Sure, in the movies couples have a crescendo of pleasure taking them to that perfect moment in which they earth shatteringly climax together. But this is real life. And in real life people get cramp. If you take anything away from this post, let it be this.
‘Great sex does not always equal an orgasm and an orgasm does not always equal great sex.’
What things stop you in your orgasm tracks? Can you relate to any of my non-orgasmic experiences?
If you liked this post then check out my post on 5 Sex Mistakes I’ve Made!