You Don’t Know What Love Is – An Unpassionate Post About Love
“I don’t want to be with you anymore. It’s too painful.”
“Oh okay, fair enough.”
“I hate you! I never want to see you again!”
“Okay, well whatever makes you happy. Um, was there anything else? Or can I go?”
“You really don’t know what love is do you?!”
And from the outside, I guess it looked like I didn’t.
‘You don’t know what love is.’ Are the six words that have cut my heart like a knife and the constant reoccurring theme across all my long-term relationships. What exactly is it that I do to evoke these feelings in every single partner I have had? Could they be right? Perhaps I watched too many horrors and not enough romcoms. Or maybe I should have stuck it out at school long enough to interpret Shakespeare’s scripts. Was it my single parent upbringing? My depressive teens? Or like Princess Elsa, am I just frozen?
The truth is I believe love means something very different for every individual person. It’s like a fingerprint. No two people’s love will look the same. Like grains of sand on the beach. Like stars in the sky. Like.. Well, you get the picture. When the realization hit me it was a shining beacon of validation. ‘You don’t know what love is,’ was no longer capable of making me question my heart. And when I took to Twitter asking what love meant to them, the always wonderful sex blogging community made me even more sure of this. Whilst also making me feel all mushy and warm inside.
Inside my heart. Not my vagina. Obviously.
LittleSwitchBitch – ‘Love to me is the butterflies I get in my belly when I see him. Be it being apart a few hours – I always get them. I’ve always trusted butterflies.’
My feelings will not, they can not, be the same as my partners. Not only are we different people but we are in completely different relationships. I am in a relationship with a person who makes me laugh daily. Someone who makes me feel needed. A person who swings from wearing his heart on his sleeve to hiding it through fear. And him? He’s with someone who enjoys her own company. Someone who swings from idealization to devaluation. But a person who is kind, generous and supportive.
He is also with a person who lives in two states of mind. Rational mind and emotional mind. And never both at the same time. Unfortunately, when it comes to matters of the heart, I seem to stay in a state of rational mind. I have no doubt it’s a subconscious self-preservation. But for someone on the other side of that relationship, it must be heart-wrenching at times. But, though my love may be rational, it is no less valid or meaningful.
FlossDoesLife – ‘Love is scary and unpredictable but also inspiring and transformative. Love is strength and courage, kindness and compassion. Love is awesome <3’
But hold up Aurora, what about the five love languages? Surely there are only five types of love? Well, my imaginary reader, I absolutely believe in the five love languages still. Mine is Acts of Service in case you were wondering. But does that mean that fellow acts of service love linguists experience love in the same way as me? Absolutely not. Because they are not me. I am one of a kind. A grain of sand. A star in the sky.. Are we going around in circles here?
Lorah – ‘Love is being as weird as someone else and not being judged for it. It’s feeling completely safe, calm, secure and at home with them.’
If you do not believe me about love, you only need look at the variety of love quotes to see the versatility of the word. Greek philosopher Aristotle said, ‘Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies.’ Whilst Greek philosopher Plato famously announced that ‘Love is a serious mental illness.’ There is no similarity in their interpretations of love. Yet I wonder if anyone said to them, ‘You don’t know what love is.’
ClearEyedGirl – ‘Understanding, Acceptance, Courage to call out, Desire for best, Patience, Goodwill, Affection and care.’
I’m a realist. I don’t believe there is only one person for each of us. I believe love is finding a person who can supply what we are emotionally lacking. It’s about timing and chemistry. Love is about mutual respect and another persons needs matching our own. And then there is the love you have when someone can still conform to your idealizations. When your heart aches, your body tingles and your mind obsesses. Before you realise that they are, in fact, only human. And with humanity comes imperfections. It’s a love of limitations that will eventually falter.
I wonder, how many people are now thinking, ‘Well clearly you don’t know what love is.’
SubBee – ‘Affection, Caring, Encouragement, Support, Attraction and also wanting to kick their butt when you know they aren’t being the best person they can be.’
Perhaps my meaning behind love is somewhat cold. Lacking in philosophical charm and the romance of poetry. But that is what love is to me. And so, I absolutely do know what love is. I know that for you, love is something completely different than it is to me. I know that love is ultimately undefinable. That is what love is.
The point of my ramblings and what I really wanted to say is, if anyone tells you that you don’t know what love is, they are wrong. And equally, if someone doesn’t love you how you love them, it doesn’t mean they love you any less.
What does love mean to you? It was wonderful hearing everyone’s interpretations on Twitter, please leave your own in the comments below!
If you liked this post then check out my post on Expressing Love In 20 Different Ways!