Feature photo of me holding the Vain Toys Mister Vain

Review: Vain Toys Mister Vain – A Customizable Dildo

Review: Vain Toys Mister Vain – A Customizable Dildo

Vain Toys Mister Vain Dildo Review

I’m going to assume that as you are reading this post, you are with me on the joys of insertable objects. But how do you feel about insertable objects that stretch and fill every corner of those intimate holes? The Vain Toys Mister Vain is definitely one for the fans of stretching only achievable with the girthiest of dongs. A valuable lesson was learnt in the vaginal trials of this dildo – When it comes to insertable sex toys, half an inch can make all the difference.


Arriving in a black cardboard box, my new Mister Vain dildo was shipped quickly and discreetly. Inside the external box, the dildo comes within a clear storage pouch. It even included two little silicone hearts to match my mighty dong.

Photo of the Vain Toys Mister Vain and 2 silicone hearts on top of the clear storage pouch.
Vain Toys Mister Vain Storage Pouch


Every dildo on the Vain Toys site is customizable. How freaking awesome is that? Not only can you choose the colour, you can also add glitter and a suction cup. But most importantly – None of these things cost any extra! Customizable dildos genuinely get me excited in a way any other dildo just can’t. How many times have I seen a dildo online and thought ‘Oh, I wish it came in a colour other than bloody bright pink.’ Well, the pink problem is now solved and my vagina can soak up the joys of the likes of red and blue.

With 20 colours to choose from, all of which have a striking marbling effect, I naturally took an exceptional amount of time attempting to narrow it down to just one. Eventually settling on the deep red I then had a choice of glitter. Gold glitter, silver glitter or no glitter. I, of course, wanted the sparkling magic that is glitter for my vagina. My vagina deserves glitter. Following the recommendations on the site, my deep red Mister Vain glistens with gold.

Lastly, I chose to integrate a suction cup. I honestly can’t fathom why someone wouldn’t want a dildo they can suction cup to the wall and fuck.

Photo of the Vain Toys Mister Vain in deep red. With a sloped bulging head and protruding surreal veins.
Vain Toys Mister Vain in Deep Red


I think I’ve already made it pretty clear that in terms of girth, this is not a silicone dildo for the faint of heart. With a sloped bulging head of 6.7inches, it is the largest dildo I have mastered. And I do feel I deserve a pat on the back (or even better, the booty) for my ‘massive’ achievement. Once the head and its subsequent foreskin ridge have been successfully inserted, the shaft slims to a still pretty damn chunky, 5.9inch circumference. In addition to its delicious excess in diameter, the insertable length surpasses that of the average dong with 7.1 inches to play with. With the Vain Toys Mister Vain inserted, I am well and truly filled up.

I wish I could say I chose the Mister Vain for a sensible reason. But, the truth is I fell like a sucker for those beautiful protruding veins, rising up the shaft like some kind of sexy ivy. I didn’t even consider the potential pleasure promised by the wavy bulges of texture. That came later, as a very pleasant and orgasmic surprise.

Close up of the Vain Toys Mister Vain to show the wavy and surreal protruding veins.
Vain Toys Mister Vain Texture


For the sex toy technical amongst you, the shore hardness rating for this silicone is A10. For those of you who, like me, have absolutely no idea what that means, it is quite deliciously squidgy. It has just the right amount of softness to make it completely flexible, whilst still having enough hardness to stay erect. I am able to indent the silicone slightly with my fingers, which makes insertion and thrusting more comfortable. But, it still has enough hardness for pressured g spot or p spot pleasure.

Photo of me folding the Vain Toys Mister Vain in half to demonstrate its flexibility
Vain Toys Mister Vain Flexibility

Suction Cup

Unfortunately, a dildo as girthy as the Vain Toys Mister Vain is impossible for me to insert if stuck to a wall. Stuck to the floor, however, I can ride it like a rodeo champion. No amount of wiggling or yee-hawing unsticks this dong from its suction-cupped position. Despite my inability to do suction-cupped doggy with such girth, I did test the Mister Vain out on a painted wall. I slapped and jiggled it more than any vagina or ass would be capable of and it stayed very firmly suctioned. The Vain Toys suction cups are the most effective I have come across.

Close up of the Vain Toys Mister Vain suction cup. A chunky circular suction cup.
Vain Toys Mister Vain Suction Cup

Play Time

Having only previously faced dildos with a 6 inch circumference, I was quite unprepared for the challenge an additional .7 of an inch would be. Almost a third of a bottle of water-based lubricant was enrolled in the battle of my vagina vs the Mister Vain. And even with the warming up executed with my favourite clitoral vibe, it seemed it would defeat me. I was ready to surrender when my vagina gave one final stretch and slowly swallowed the bulging head of the most mighty of dongs.

As I pushed myself further down onto the head I felt the filling stretch of silicone rise up my vagina. Even the slimmer shaft gave no relief from the straining sensations. I had faced a huge challenge, and now as I felt the texture of the raised veins and the gentle pressure against my g spot, I was able to reap the rewards. Thrusting was more than my vagina could handle, but a gentle grinding meant I could stimulate my g spot as well as force the protruding veins to brush against my vaginal walls. With this Vain Toys dong, one orgasm has never been enough. My vagina continues to greedily gobble up its girth until I am a crumpled mess of sexual bliss.

Close up of the sloping and bulging head of the Vain Toys Mister Vain
Vain Toys Mister Vain Head


Did it come across that I found the Vain Toys Mister Vain to be somewhat girthy? If you can appreciate the pleasures of large filling dildos, I imagine you can appreciate this one. With the addition of both beautiful and effective texture and a deliciously shaped head, it offers so much more than just girth. Along with those orgasmic features, it is customizable at no extra cost. I am excited to recommend Vain Toys as a place to purchase your next silicone penetrator. And if the circumference of the Mister Vain might be a little too much, you can read my review of the slimmer, but no less effective Vain Toys Stiffy.

If you would like to purchase the Vain Toys Mister Vain you can find it here for €58

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Huge thanks to Vain Toys for sending me the Mister Vain in exchange for an honest review!

Vain Toys Mister Vain

Vain Toys Mister Vain

Orgasm Rating

9.0 /10


10.0 /10


10.0 /10

Suction Cup

10.0 /10


10.0 /10


  • Body Safe Materials
  • Beautiful Design
  • Customizable
  • Strong Suction Cup


  • Fiddly to Clean

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