Laying New Roots
CW – Slight referral to sexual abuse.
I guess it all started when a young English soldier whisked his new wife off to Germany. Nine months later, out popped a little blonde girl who would eventually develop an unusual fascination with sex. She would, 27 years later and back in England, call herself Aurora Glory and let the world in on all her sexy secrets.
Want to hear one of them?
The development of my fascination with sex was never about sex. It was about power.
My earliest memory of masturbation fantasy involved men lining up to take me in a consensual non-consensual way. The power of so many men wanting me was beyond arousing. For a person who felt unloved and unwanted in every aspect of their life, it was, in hindsight, an understandable fantasy. To be so intensely wanted by many, that they lined up to take me. Understandable, though arguably problematic.
When it came to me actually having sex, the power became a reality. With my sexuality, I could make the strongest of men the most vulnerable. They would trust me with their bodies, their desires, their secrets. As I submitted, I held the ultimate power to please. I held the power over their satisfaction and could give them pleasure they never knew existed. I had the power to do so at my own discretion and I had the power to walk away when they started to bore me.
Which leads me to the issue my sexuality has now. Someone took that power away from me and I’m left having to learn to love sex for a completely new reason. And I don’t know that I can. If the rooted drive for you to have sex is taken away, it suddenly becomes somewhat ‘meh’. Now, I’m under no illusion that having sex to feel powerful was ever a healthy way to do so, but that was what I knew. As soon as I learnt about sex, I taught myself that power was both arousing and intoxicating. And in doing it, I learnt that there was nothing quite like the combination of sex and power.
I feel it may be a bold move to admit my love for that combo. When people think of the two together, it usually isn’t a pretty picture that is painted. However, I hope my experience shows that it isn’t always a negative mix. My kick of power came primarily by being wanted, partly by being trusted and very slightly by feeling in control of their pleasure.
Unfortunately, the power I felt at being wanted became significantly less powerful when the choice was taken away from me. Instead of someone’s desire for me making me feel powerful, it scares the crap out of me. It makes me want to hide under a rock, at the bottom of a well, with a 55 lock iron door at the top. What once made me feel intoxicatingly powerful, now makes me feel feeble and weak. What once aroused me, repels me.
I’m trying to relearn that sex is great because of love. Because you’re sharing something magical or whatever. I really am trying, but I can’t help but grieve my old attitude towards sex. Unhealthy, or not, it was what got me off. It was my roots. It was what made me adore sex so passionately I chose to start a website in honour of it.
All I can do now is hope I can lay down new sexual roots. Start afresh and anew. Find something else that I can plant and grow until I’m able to fantasize, frolic and fuck, once again. Maybe it will be love? But, if I’m honest I’ll admit that I hope that it’s not. I’m okay with love making sex better, but I also want to feel the desire to take a guy home for no reason other than he makes my knickers wet.