The Bad Parents Guide To Sex

Before we dive into my very ‘interesting’ parents guide to sex, I should probably add some clarity to one thing. This is not a guide for bad parents. Let’s face it, we’re all doing the best we can to make them as unfucked up as possible. This is, in fact, just a very bad guide. The reason being that after 11 years of attempting to be both a full-time parent and part-time sex goddess, I’ve finally decided to face the inevitable truth that it is, actually, impossible. I’m not cooking three-course meals for anyone in the nude. Spontaneous sex is no longer in my vocabulary let alone in my life. And shower sex is not saucy, it’s necessary. So, here are my tips, full of the sarcastic charm of a woman who’s had more baby vomit on her face than spunk.

Location

There is one room in almost every house that has a lock and it usually comes with the delightful bonus of a toilet. If you’re extra lucky like me your bathroom will be especially tiny too. It might not seem like luck, but it means I can support one leg on the sink and the other on the opposite wall. There are also plenty of towels to use as cushions and the best bit? You don’t even have to leave the room to clean up. Cleary, it’s the people without kids that are missing out.

Plans

Make sexy plans and then wait for them to turn to dust when the babysitter gets sick, all your money goes on repainting the wall they Crayola’d or your kid decides they miss you. Because obviously, 10 consecutive days in your company was not enough. It’s okay though, every blue moon your plans will work out, and you will appreciate them more than any non-parent could.

Foreplay

Foreplay is what people do that have both time and energy. Neither of which I have possessed in the last 11 years. Sex as a parent is goal oriented. Grab your partner, the lube and your favourite clit vibe and get down to business. You have approximately 2 seconds before your kids decide to kill each other.

Routine

Isn’t routine wonderful? You find a half hour slot in your schedules in which you are both free to frolic once a week. So frolic you do. At the same time. In pretty much the same way. Every. Single. Week. Hey, if it ain’t broke right?

Preparation

You might think, oh the kids have gone to bed early, let’s be spontaneous and have rampant sex against the kitchen sides. Except that will be the precise moment your child decides to have a nightmare, wet the bed or ask for a snack because they didn’t eat their bloody dinner. Spontaneity is not for parents. Always be prepared with a dressing gown or blanket to cover up the second you hear the first creak of a floorboard. And multiple times throughout your rampant sex session because you thought you heard the floorboards creak.

Early Bedtime

The kids are asleep so an early bedtime for the grownups is the perfect way to add a bit of sex to your relationship. And when I say a bit, I mean a bit. On the ultra-rare occasion that your children actually do fall asleep at a reasonable hour, leave the mess (let’s face it, it will look the same 5 minutes into your morning anyway) and rush up the stairs for a night of mischievous pleasures. You could get out those handcuffs that have been gathering dust, put on some sexy lingerie, give each other massages, hell you could even have sex twice! Except, of course, you’re both shattered with a mental to-do list that seems to get longer as you frolic. So, you either suck it up and have your best attempt at sexcapades, settle for yet another quickie or forego sex altogether in lieu of the first decent amount of sleep you’ve had in years. I usually go with the latter.

Avoid the Bed

The bed is an absolute no-go zone. Unless you want your kids to barge in at the sound of the springs because they think you’re jumping on the bed without them?

Positions

Forget the Kama Sutra. Master the least exhaustive positions you can think of. Spooning, missionary or laying flat on your front whilst he enters from behind. They are all great positions for pleasure without zapping any of your precious energy.

It’s A Negative Parents Guide To Sex, But…

All this might sound a bit negative and in truth it is. I’m fed up with online guides for parents that imply you can have a great sex life if you only try harder. When you’ve got children, it is never that simple. And aren’t we trying hard enough at everything already? Women are expected to have careers, beautiful homes, perfectly raised children and somehow still find the time and energy to be the sex goddess we were pre-kids.

It seems like yet another pressure and conformity we think we need to worry about. The only guideline I really think that matters is to have fun! And a surefire way to zap out the fun is to make it another thing on your evergrowing to-do list. Laugh, joke and bond over the struggle. I can guarantee you are not the only parent unable to hold onto their sex goddess status. Remember that it’s a team effort. There are hundreds of ways to feel like a partner as well as just a parent. And in focusing on those, the sex will come naturally.

I often find the hottest build up to sex is just talking. And even without the sex, it’s the perfect zero-physical effort way to keep intimacy in your relationship. Talk about everything but the kids. As a parent, it can be so easy to lose the rest of your identity, and with it your sexual being.

If you liked this post then check out my post on 20 Different Ways to Express your Love!