Aurora’s Best and Worst Sex Toys 2018
In 2018 I was extremely lucky as my bits and I got to try more new sex toys than ever before. I screwed and reviewed my way through dozens of the latest and greatest and now I get to tell you which left me a panting puddle of pleasure and which left me in a puddle of frustrated tears.
And yes, I absolutely have cried over a failed orgasm. Hasn’t everyone?
Shall we make this extra interesting and put them in ascending order of awesomeness? Ooo, I think we should.
In at Number Seven is…
7. Rocks Off Touch of Velvet – Granted, this isn’t the best vibrator in the world. But for its price? It’s unbelievable! If this is closer to me than my favourite vibrator, I’d rather use this. Yes, because I’m lazy. But, also, it is seriously almost as good. If you’re on a budget this is the one. The. One.
6. Doc Johnson Kink Pulse – This comes in at number 6 for nothing other than its absolute uniqueness. I have never, never, felt anything like it. It is just totally weird in a completely wonderful way.
5. Womanizer Premium – This thing is just luxury. Absolute, pure luxury. Yes, it costs more than the bed I have my post-wank nap in, but I wouldn’t expect it to be a penny less. It has a completely flawless design that very nearly feels too good to come on. But, not quite.
4. Blush Novelties Suko – And I bet you were starting to think I’m all about the clit. Well, to be fair, I am. But still, this feels damn good along with that clitoral action. The bumps, the girth, the squidge. This dildo is so damn delicious I could eat it. Except, then I wouldn’t have it to screw. So I won’t.
3. Zumio – Are you all about the broad stimulation? Well, you will f**king hate the Zumio. If, however, you are like me and want some precise power on your clit, let me introduce you to the sex toy very worthy of its third place. This vibrator makes sure your clit gets all of the attention, just the way mine likes it.
Ooo, Number 2, it’s getting exciting people…
2. Lelo Sona – This thing has made my clit bleed and still, here I am putting it in second place. I know, wtf?! But… This is the only sex toy to have ever made me squirt and I spent bloody years trying to get a shower to shoot out of my vagina.
****Another Dr… Okay, I’ll just get on with it.
1. Blush Novelties Exposed Nocturnal Bullet – OH.MY.GENITALS. This vibrator. It’s the We Vibe Tango times a thousand. This is my desert island sex toy. My one. My only. On Valentine’s Day, I’m going to buy it a dozen red roses. The thing deserves them.
The Noje W1 would have stuck its vibrating head in between the Zumio and the Sona. However, last night this happened…
Wonderful. I go for a cheeky vibe in the shower and the button on my Noje w1 breaks and the thing WILL NOT switch off. It is currently hiding in my washing machine, wrapped in towels, buzzing away. Hopefully no one decides to put a load on tonight 🙈
— Aurora Glory (@AuroraGloryBlog) January 3, 2019
Still, it was panty-soaking good whilst it lasted.
The Worst Sex Toys
I hate to say a sex toy sucks, as I’m sure there is someone, somewhere, who thinks it was sent by aliens to distract us all with orgasms whilst they take over the planet. Or something like that. But, for me and my bits, these sex toys sucked bad. I tried to look on the bright side. I tried to screw them differently. But, these all just screwed me in the wrong damn way. I won’t put them in any order. They are all equally as bad as each other and deserve to sit in the corner and think about what they have done.
We Vibe Gala – I’m sorry, but what the hell happened to We Vibe? Surely someone over there gave this a whirl and said ‘Hey, guys, it’s shit.’
Rabbit Company Classic XL – You can not take a mediocre rabbit, quadruple its price, and not expect everyone to feel entirely ripped off. It’s not exactly bad, it is just ridiculously overpriced. I’m totally okay with paying a little extra for indie brands, but over £200? They’re taking the piss.
Lovehoney Lifelike Lover Luxe – If I could describe this in one word, it would be ‘abrasive’. No dildo, in the whole entire world of dildos, should ever be described as abrasive.
Pink B.O.B Lust Wand – Remember I said about sex toys that make me cry? This thing numbs my clit so much that I literally lose the ability to orgasm. It is one mean vibrator. This wand is the Regina George of sex toys.
Now, as lucky as I have been, not every awesome sex toy has graced my genitals with its presence. Are you curious which toys have been raved about online so much that they’ve taken over my wishlist? Well, here they are…
Doxy 3 – There are three types of people in this world. Those who own the Doxy 3, those with the Doxy 3 on their wishlist and those who have never heard of the Doxy 3. Nobody else exists. I am very almost certain.
Funkit Dildo – I honestly don’t know if it’s the awesome creator of these dildo’s or the dildos themselves, but people have been blowing up my Twitter about Funkit Toys this year. There really is only one way for me to find out which, and that, of course, is to put one inside me. Any one will do.
Je Joue Bullet Trio – Yes, this is technically three vibrators. And, yes, I want them all. These haven’t been raved about as much as the Doxy, but every time they pop up it’s positive. I just feel like we would be good together – the perfect foursome. My three orgasm-inducers and I.
Fun Factory Volta – I literally hadn’t even heard of this until I started reading other bloggers 2018 sex toy roundups. Now I want it. I need it. Damn it, bloggers. Look what you’ve done.
I would really love to hear which toys you loved or hated this year. Are there any that should have made it onto my wishlist?