At 13 years of age I had my first real kiss. It was a dare and we made some awful mouth fart which was about as unsexy as kissing can probably get. It was the perfect example of how not to kiss. Now at 27 years of age it’s safe to say I’ve done my fair bit of smooching. I like to believe I’ve had enough experience to class myself as a rather sensational snogger.
It seems though, after a recently brief spell in the world of singledom, age and experience are not an accurate metric for a persons kissing talents. I fell victim to some truly disgraceful lip lockage by men older and more experienced than myself. But maybe it’s just me? Maybe there are people out there that genuinely enjoy feeling like their mouths are being violated.
Here are 6 tragic examples of how not to kiss. (Seriously guys, do not try this at home.)
1. I’m going to dub this kiss ‘the yawn’. Why? Because this particular smoocher felt it was appropriate to open his mouth as wide as is humanly possible. And much to my absolute dismay, I’m pretty sure this guy must have had a world record sized gob. Note to kissers – If you have their chin and nose in your mouth, you are a yawner and you absolutely must be stopped.
2. Next up, ‘the woodpecker’. Can you guess where this one is going? This man was the prime example that age and experience mean f**k all. Although I have to give him some credit. The rate at which he poked his tongue in and out of my mouth was genuinely impressive. Unfortunately, it felt plain weird and was just all kinds of wrong. Maybe if it was my vagina? But it wasn’t and he certainly wasn’t drunk enough to think it was.
3. This kiss will be called ‘the assumption’. I feel the name is highly appropriate since the kisser is under the assumption I actually want to kiss him. Usually you will find those drunk are most likely to partake in ‘the assumption.’ Because soberly, I’m quite certain they would have picked up on the grimace on my face as they lunged at my recoiling body. I mean, how body language inept can a person be?
4. Or we could name this one ‘I don’t brush my teeth.’ I feel it’s pretty self-explanatory. Bad breath and kissing do not go together. End of.
5. The ‘clam’ is next. This smoocher seems to have forgotten they have a tongue. In fact, I’m pretty sure they are doing some sort of ‘my mouth’s glued together’ type mime. If I wanted to kiss like this then.. In fact, no. No.. I never want to kiss like this. Are you afraid I’m going to bite it off? I just don’t get it.
6. It’s the last one and I’m going to name it ‘the rash’. There are two reasons for why I’ve given it this title. One – They are on you like a bloody rash and Two – It’s highly likely when they eventually stop slobbering over your face you are going to be left with a rash. I understand we’re into each other. It’s exciting and all that. What I do not understand is why you don’t want me to breathe? I like breathing. It’s nice. It’s a hobby I’ve indulged in my whole life. So please, could we just take a moment to breathe every now again? I promise you can then go back to violating the bottom half of my face.
Fortunately not all the kisses I’ve had have been quite so bad. In fact most have been rather lovely. Some, absolutely sensational. I used to believe a person’s snogging ability reflected on how they were going to perform in the bedroom. Recently, I met the most amazing kisser I’ve ever known. Naturally I was one eager beaver to get him out of his clothes and into my bed. Turns out kissing was as far as his talents went. The sex was diabolical. But hey, lesson learnt. Kissing does not have any reflection on a person’s sexual performance.