Tongue Tied by Stella Harris Review
Untangling Communication in Sex, Kink and Relationships
It only took about a week of delving into the sex blog world for me to get the message that communication is important. Everyone says the same thing. Communicate, communicate, communicate. Hell, I even say it. I fully understand why it’s important. In fact, I believe it’s the most important thing to master for a satisfying sex life. However, if anyone asked me how, I’d have struggled to respond with anything outside the blatantly obvious. I’d have mumbled something about honesty and timing and, quite frankly, very poorly communicated the art of communicating. I’d have been well and truly tongue tied. I knew how important it was, unfortunately, I was also very aware of how difficult I found it.
Which is why, despite vowing to never write a book review, I leapt at the chance to review Tongue Tied by Stella Harris. Whilst I gain an orgasm or two from sex toys, what I gained from reading this book is practically invaluable.
How to Read it
This book can be read in one of three ways – You can read it from cover to cover, you can pick out the bits you think will benefit you most, or you can use it as and when you need some expert advice for tackling those hard to communicate moments. Whilst I read the entire book for the purpose of this review, and because my communication skills are severely lacking, I know that Tongue Tied is a book I’ll pick up again and again. I’d love to say that reading this just once has rendered me an expert on the art of communication, but my memory is a pile of crap. I fully expect it to be read to battered ruins when relationships are once again on my radar.
Tip – Have a notebook at the ready when you go through it so you can jot down your favourite tips. It will also help to keep all your answers to the activities in one place.
Something I found mildly amusing as I made my way through Tongue Tied, was what a wonderful example of Stella Harris’s communication skills that it was. The points are all well-ordered, made very clearly and often done in different ways to solidify them. The language used is clarified and there are examples used throughout (sometimes deliciously erotic!) I certainly wasn’t left wondering whether the author truly was an expert in communication. It was made clear by her ability to communicate. In the age of the internet, it seems anyone with a website and a rampant sex life can claim expertise *looks in mirror*, however, Stella Harris has the credentials. Still, she is down to earth, even using personal examples of poor communication that she had learnt from.
Some of the examples of communication did seem quite robotic and unnatural. Sure it might be clear communication, but seriously, who the hell talks like that?! I think it’s obvious that these examples though, are just that – examples. They can be adjusted to suit your personal style and language. Although, I’d happily take a bit of robotic chat in exchange for some mind-blowing sex… Wouldn’t you?
Before ever even opening this book I made a list of topics I hoped to see included but didn’t expect to. Things like communication in long distance relationships, dirty talk and non-verbal communication. I was shocked to find myself ticking away until I reached the end of the book with an empty list. It was surprising, however, that Stella Harris mentions non-verbal communication being her speciality, but actually includes almost nothing about it. I couldn’t even pretend that it makes this book even remotely lacking though, every page is filled with communication gold. I lost count of the number of ‘Ah-Ha!’ moments I had whilst reading this book. It seemed every couple of pages I was like ‘OMG, YES! That’s it’. I literally want to plaster my walls with Tongue Tied quotes just to make sure I never forget a single life-changing tip.
The main areas I felt were covered in Tongue Tied include –
- Why communication is important
- What it is that we actually want
- How to communicate in different scenarios
- Examples of specific difficult scenarios
- Exercises we can use
- Kink negotiations
Who Should Read it?
I honestly don’t know if there is anyone who wouldn’t benefit, at least a bit, from a flick through this book. Whilst there are recommendations that experienced folk may find obvious, I don’t think there is one person who could claim they are completely flawless at communicating all of the time. This book includes advice from the basics all the way to the advanced, and everything in between. Stella also uses inclusive language throughout, so regardless of gender, sexuality or ability, this book would be a suitable read.
I will include, however, that I found her to have a somewhat disposable attitude towards relationships. I can see her lifestyle makes her able to do so, and I can also see that it is the best way to have successful relationships. However, not everyone feels they have an endless stream of people to work through until they find the perfect fit and in some areas, she appeared ignorant of that.
How it Helped Me Post-Trauma
Everyone who reads this book will benefit from it in a different way. We all have different skills, different lifestyles and different desires. However, I wanted to include a little something about how Tongue Tied helped me, as a single person recovering from trauma. Whilst Stella doesn’t claim this book is useful for survivors, from my own experience, it really was. After reading this I am better able to communicate with myself. I was given the opportunity and prompts I needed to self-reflect and work out what it is that I want. It gave me the chance to reconnect with myself. I also now know how I can better communicate what I want or don’t want if I decide to have a relationship again in the future. Finally, I better understand what communication is acceptable in a healthy relationship and what may be a red flag.
Tongue Tied by Stella Harris is a book I just want to buy for absolutely everyone. We all know how important communication is and it would be practically impossible not to improve on those skills after reading this. Whilst everyone would gain something different, I believe everyone would gain something. It is stuffed full of useful information, expertly communicated. And even better, it actually got me excited about communication! I truly believe that anyone who reads this book and implements its advice will be rewarded with better sex and healthier relationships. Whether you’re looking to learn the basics or improve your communication skills, Tongue Tied is a valuable resource.
You can purchase Tongue Tied by Stella Harris here for £12.99
Tongue Tied by Stella Harris was sent to me in exchange for an honest review. Affiliate links are used in this post.