Most people experienced in BDSM know what their hard and soft limits are. And they know the limits of their partner. But if someone’s new to BDSM or are vanilla, they aren’t likely to have acknowledged their limits. However, it’s important to know what yours and your partners limits are. Even if you don’t plan on delving into anything kinky.
What are limits?
Hard limits are acts you are not prepared to do under any circumstances. This can be for any number of reasons personal to you. Soft limits are things you don’t want to do but are slightly more open to. Maybe with the right partner for example. Some of my hard limits include scat play and receiving sounding. These are both things I have never and will never be open to doing. A couple of my soft limits are golden showers and fisting. Neither I’ve done and neither would be my suggestion. But, I may consider trying them with the right partner.
How to establish your limits?
If you are in a BDSM relationship then I would recommend finding an online BDSM checklist. This should cover anything that may come up during play. You can always add to it with anything you deem necessary for your sex life. You can also edit your limits whilst on your sexual journey. Hard and soft limits are not set in stone, but you are the only one that can alter them.
Why do you need them for vanilla sex?
I don’t recommend working through a BDSM checklist, but someone vanilla can benefit from knowing their limits. If there is anything that’s guarenteed to improve your sex life, it is being self aware. It’s also incredibly common for couples not to communicate about sex. This is an inoffensive way of communicating the things you don’t enjoy. With the rise of acts like anal becoming the ‘norm’, there are vanilla activities that can be hard limits. Be honest with yourself and your partner.
Before ever having sex in my last relationship I made my partner aware of one of my vanilla soft limits. For psychological reasons receiving oral sex is a soft limit for me. He asked why and as with most of my partners I wasn’t prepared to share that part of myself. Unfortunately, he didn’t listen and thought pushing that limit would be ‘naughty’. It wasn’t. It was disrespectful and a huge mood killer.
It’s equaling as important in my current dom/sub relationship for my partner to respect my limits. The dynamics of such a relationship only work if the dom is fully aware of their subs limits. If he wants to try something on my limit list we discuss it in depth outside of the bedroom before hand. This saves any emotional reactions from occuring during sex. You can not completely submit to your partner without trusting them. This is one of the reasons limits are crucial to a dom/sub relationship.
Remember your limits are up to you and only you! You do not have to explain your reasoning and you do not have to negotiate them if you don’t want to.
Have you established your hard and soft limits? If not then do you think this is something you are going to do? Let me know in the comments!